The One That Saves Me

I am listening to the song “Wonderwall” by Oasis and it’s summing up my mood right now.  If you can even call it a mood.  I just feel…blah.  Like nothing important or urgent is going on right now in the world.

I should be writing right now, working on the final draft of my novel, but I don’t feel like it.  I just want to leave my made up world alone because everything’s consuming me.  It’s overwhelming me, almost.  All I’ve listened to for the past day or so is yelling and crying and I am so fucking tired of it that I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Stress is curled up in my bones, eating away at me until I just sit and cry for what seems like hours but only turns out to be maybe five minutes.  What is up with that?

My perception of emotions, time, and direction have always sucked, but this week, it’s like it has gotten worse.  I have begun to look at a lot of my opinions and question them.  Like the marriage and children one.  Ugh.  I don’t want to think about that.  I don’t want to think about my future.  It all looks so dim.  Graduate high school, go to college, get a job, find an apartment, find someone to live with for the rest of my life or die alone  live alone.  Everyone dies alone, I think.  Not to sound skeptic or morbid, but isn’t true?  Death is a solitary path that no one can help you along spiritually.

Neil Gaiman portrays Death as Sleep’s older sister in The Sandman and she is gorgeous.  It’s kind of like a subliminal messaging.  Maybe death isn’t really as scary as some people think it is.  Death doesn’t scare me.  Growing old does.

 

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

-Oasis “Wonderwall”

Baby, It’s Cold Outside…

It’s cold oustide.  I walk out to the car in the morning and by the time I complete that ten foot walk, my teeth are chattering.  It’s insane.  It shouldn’t be this cold in the south.  It’s not normal!!  All I want to do is curl up with a good book, some hot cocoa, and pile blankets atop myself while listening to M*A*S*H as it plays on the tv in the background.  Ah, I have found heaven on earth.  But, alas, I am sitting at the computer, writing this, trying to keep my eyes open and it’s one minute away from eight o’clock at night.  Grr.

I know that a lot of my friends wouldn’t want to curl up with a book and hot cocoa, but they would curl up with a guy and be cozy and watch some sappy romance (or, maybe in Ramxpage’s case all of the Saw movies…I don’t know, so don’t ask) but I wouldn’t do that if I had a chance to do the former.  Unless that guy happened to be a certain someone.  You guys know of whom I speak. ;D 

I am exhausted, and I don’t want to anything but sleep.  My sister, however, would pitch a fit about me going to bed earlier than she was, and then she’d come in the room, banging around, making more noise than a disgruntled, drunk giant.  Ungh.

We were watching a documentary in film crit today on the importance of Star Wars, and I appreciate them a lot now.  They were all for the depressed age of the seventies and I’m glad that George Lucas produced that film–he changed a lot of people’s lives.  Maybe not mine, but maybe if I had lived in that age.

And for Winged Ham Ham–  MIDORI IS THE AWESOMEST THING TO EVER HIT THE PLANET.  I LOVE YOU FOR CHANGING MY OUTLOOK ON MANGA.  I love it!!!  I’m on my second way through it. 

I am sentencing myself to the gallows–again–by taking an AP US History course next year. I hate my social studies teacher right now, but I want to try again.  I hope I’ll do better.  We-e-e-e-e-ll, I have a novel to right and a bed that’s calling my name.  Good night, all my best wishes, sweet dreams, don’t bother me till Monday…just kidding.  :D  Anyway, I’ll catch you cool kids later!

Sleep

Also a song by My Chemical Romance, but not talking about this at the moment.  Anyway.  Well, sleep, what to say about sleep.  I love to sleep!  It is my favorite past time besides reading and writing.  Oh, and Myles?  I have the cure to a broken heart:
Sleep.
I kid you not.  I slept for an entire weekend after a complete letdown, and I won’t lie to you: I felt so much better, and eventually sleep erased it from my mind. 
I think that sleep is really one of the few times that we actually have to ourselves: back to the shower post I had up when I first created my wordpress blog.  No one can tell you how to sleep.  They can tell you when to go to sleep, but not how.  And maybe that’s why I like it so much…that or the fact that you just feel so damn good after sleeping for thirteen hours.  (I honestly don’t know how people make it with only 7-8 hours of sleep…I sure as heck don’t.) (This is for you people who suffer my wrath when I got absolutely no sleep the night before)

So, Myles, when you have free time…sleep, man, sleep.

curbxstomp