Heartache, Heartache

I am getting really tired of guys.  In general.  Not fair to my guy friends, I know, but all the guys who are like, dating possibilities–or I thought they were–are  edging closer to tipping me into homicidal tendencies.  I kid you not.

The guys who know all the right things to say irritate me so much.  Daniel, is the prime example.  He says it to everyone.  Then, he expects me to believe him.  Or, he says he expects me to believe him.  I don’t know, he confuses me and I gave up a long time ago.

The guys who know that they are playing with a girl’s emotions and don’t even know irritate me much more than the previous group.  I can’t give you any examples, because I’m not revealing any more names. 

Then you have the guys who are just there and I hate them for being there.  I don’t know what my problem is.  I feel like Anakin Skywalker at the moment.  Angry all the time.

I will catch you later.  I might not be around for a few days.  I’m going to be working on my book.

Insanity: The Repitition of an Action with the Expectation of the Same Result

Ah, this definition I think is one of the more precise and accurate.  Some words have definitions that are like huh? and then there are others like this one that you completely understand.

I was watching 28 Days yesterday–and today–and the guy training the horses tells the people in rehab the definition of insanity.  Sometimes, you can classify my actions as insane.  I pick the same kind of guys, usually, trying to expect new results, ones that have never happened before.  So far, all I have done is disappoint myself even more.  I don’t know what my problem is sometimes.  Honestly.  I just do whatever I feel like, and most of the time I don’t think about it.

Some people say that I live life to the fullest, but some say I live stupidly.  But, then again, life is split into the people who jump into the pool without checking for water, and the people who do check for water, but also check the chlorine levels and the likelihood of rain.  I don’t really like to plan things.  Routine is nice in certain instances–such as when you have a relationship with a person; friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, whatever.  Then you cling to routine because you are afraid of your relationship falling apart.

But then you have the routine that everyone is anxious to break out of.  Waking up at 6 every morning, eating a bagel, showering, brushing your teeth, checking to make sure you have everything, seeing your kids off to school, assuring your child she will be fine when you drop her off at day care.  Who wouldn’t want to leave that behind?  Who wouldn’t want to push the boundaries of life to see how far they could get without doing something illegal or hurting someone they love?  The ones who check the pool, but even then they do push the boundaries after planning and checking everything out first.

I think I have a mixture of cautiousness and disgregard. Sometimes I check the pool, sometimes I don’t.  It normally depends on what kind of day I have.  All this thinking has made my head hurt.

Reflection

I looked in the mirror during fourth period today, and do you know what my first thought was?

What is wrong with you?

That’s what I asked my reflection and I felt horrible afterwards because I started looking at all the things about myself that I don’t like, and then the rest of my day that was already on its way downhill finally hit the cement at the bottom of the hill.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, to be honest.  I was reading this book–I think it was a Vicki Petersson book–and she would take pictures of herself and then study them.  I want to do that, because I want to see what people see, because I don’t think that we see the same thing.

I see a girl who puts her hope and time into things that I know won’t matter twenty years from now, because… I don’t know why.  I think that the sentimental value is what matters to me the most.  I don’t even care about college, because it seems so far away and I don’t want to leave my life. 

Hm.  Leaving your life.  It makes it sound like you’re dying.  I think that that is kind of what I equate it to.  You leave your family, your friends, your bedroom, your bathroom(I actually like my bathroom…long story) and your pets.  It’s like you die for 4 years, or 10 years, however you end up staying college, I don’t know.  I don’t fear dying, but I do fear losing 4 years with my family for schooling. This world’s society seems to demean what it means to have a family.

I love my family. Sometimes they annoy the hell out of me, but other times, I think that if you don’t dislike them sometimes, then you won’t love them as much.  Your family, I think is the best thing that happens to you.  Ramxpage is my family, too, just extended, because all of these rules apply to her.  Your family does not care what you look like when you wake up.  Your family does not care if you like watching Disney movies at the age of 22.  Your family misses you when you spend the night at a friend’s house.  Your family loves you even if you go to  prison for grand larsony.  And your family takes care of you and doesn’t pester you with questions until two days after you have your heart broken.

I imagine that my family has dealt with a lot of heartache.  Mainly from me.  Actually, all from me considering none of my siblings really care about moving away from friends and none of them are dating (hell, two of them aren’t even in school).  I don’t know if I would apologize to them.  I think that they like knowing that I’m not just some mean girl who snarls at anyone who wakes her up before 1:00 pm.

So, I next time I look in the mirror, I will try to appreciate my reflection.

Curves

Okay, I am at a total loss.  Do guys like curves?  I mean, the majority?  I can never tell.  I mean, I know it depends on the guy, but at the same time, I think that the majority might want those stick thin chicks that don’t eat unless their parents feed a tube through they throat.  Just kidding.  I really am curious, because of all the guys I have dated, no one has ever said, “I prefer curves…”  Actually, they kind of avoided answering me…  This post is purely me being stupid, so yeah….

Dead Center

I’m just in one of those moods…I don’t know.  It borders on content and upset, and it is really irritating.  You have a part of you that is really happy because of the events of the day, and then you have another part of you that’s just really disappointed with where you are at in life.  Someone said the other day that you have to live your life to the fullest because you only have one, and I was just like, hm.  Okay, you go with that.

I really have nothing to say to that considering that I am so confused right now it isn’t even slightly funny.  People usually laugh when I am confused, but right now, it is the dark kind of confused, the confused that most people try not to be because they don’t want to think about their life.  Because if they think about what they have or what they don’t then it kind of kills a part of you, because you have no idea what to do with it.  You’ve had that certain thing or you haven’t so, what do you do when you lose or gain something?

I am really trying to let an old life go.  I am really striving.  I am cutting off friends that I once held dear, and I’m forging new friends who actually have a purpose in life, who are intelligent enough to know that somethings aren’t funny, that morals really are a good thing to have, because in my past life, all of those thoughts of morals and decency died and I am getting them back, slowly but surely.

My dad still wants me to pursue my dream at the governor’s school, and I can’t tell him now, because I hate disappointing people because it really hurts me to see that hurt look on their face when I do something that they didn’t want me to do, or they see me do it and I didn’t do it correctly.  Maybe that’s my problem, trying to do everything so no one gets hurt.  Maybe I’m going to have to hurt people.

That is not a comforting thought.

New Storyline

Well, I have officially postponed working on Lucius’ and Haven’s screwed up relationship to work on another totally whack relationship of a vampire and his food supply.  Her name is Thea, which means “gift of God” and I wanted to use it for her nickname, but I decided to change it to something else, and now I have to find a way to work her name’s meaning into the plot.  Anyway, her master is Damian, and they have a loving relationship, which is completely out of the ordinary for a vamp and the vamp’s snack.  She stumbled upon Damian and his sister, Nichole when she was somewhere in her teens; she has no recollection of her past.  This might possibly give me a different story arc.  Moving on, I have to use around one hundred pages to establish the relationship with all the vampires, and stuff like that.   Well, then her “new” love interest comes into the story.  There is a possibility that people have been looking for her since she disappeared, and the possibility is also that she is a werewolf who hasn’t changed yet, but I am still working on that, because some things still need to be tweaked and so on…

But, anyway, this story is from a different angle.  You usually get the disdain towards the vampire’s snacks, but now you can see what it is actually like to be that “snack.”  I think that an ending might actually be possible, whereas in Haven and Lucius’ story, there is no ending!  I cannot think of one and I have been dwelling on it for months.  MONTHS!  Well, I should start doing something for Engineering instead of blogging…nah.

In The Process…

I am definitely in the process of yet, another novel.  And I am still without a title.  No joke.  Most of the time, a title comes to me, followed by random spurts of creativity that normally are exhausted within a week, or 150 pages into the rough draft.  I find that music is essential to the writing process….

Wow, I definitely sounded like someone conducting a study or something… But, seriously.  I will listen to anything when I am really in the writing zone… which depends on how I am feeling at the moment, which usually depends on how badly people have ticked me off.  But, it’s really funny, because the only class I ever write in is mathematics.  No joke.  My teacher is oblivious, and the people around me don’t pay attention to me, and that’s great.

Most of my ideas come from math, all that problem solving and the hypothetical statements.  What is in contrast to that is the fact that I can never write in english.  It doesn’t help that the person sitting next to me just watches me write, blatantly when I really cannot stand people watching me write. 

Surprisingly, my inspiration and motivation comes from the people who don’t like me, or those that I don’t like.  However, I do not turn them into people that get slaughtered ten pages into the novel, but I use them to create my main character and the supporting characters that you actually get to know.  I use them to create the sides of the characters that I don’t like.  Every person has a dark side, and I might as well use attributes that I am well acquainted with.

Does that make sense? Like, I take a persons cruelty and I turn it into something that is recognizably similar in a different situation, in a different world really.  It helps people to  identify with the characters.  I mean, you aren’t going to be able to identify with a character who picks flowers for her dying dog and swings with her guy friend in her free time.  I mean, who does that, and who would want to?

The Block

Well, I am ashamed to say that I have writer’s block.

Not just with my fictional writing, but with my personal writing, too.  I have sat at my computer countless times, be it at a Word document or a Write Post page, but I have had nothing to write.  Even  my posts have been weak and pretty uninteresting because I don’t know what to put in and what to keep out–all that internet safety, you know.  But, seriously, I am collaborating with someone on a novel and she is like, “Well, how’s it coming?”  And I’m like…”It’s not.”  It’s horrible!  Ink and paper don’t even work, I have tried, and I really need to know what people do about this because it is completely recurring!  I don’t know what to do!  Even chocolate, my last hope, failed me.  I have officially hit a wall going three hundred friggin’ miles an hour.  I was writing at least four or five pages a day, and that’s really good, because I go to full time school and if I am not paying attention in class, I’ll fail, so I get nothing done during the day and by the time I’m done with my homework and done with phone conversations with Rampage while I’m doing my homework, I have a dinner, and then I have a little over an hour.

Yeah.  I have no idea what to do about that.  I have to go to school, I have no choice.  If I don’t go to school, I’m a truant, and then my parents would kill me, and then I wouldn’t get to go to the governor’s school.  I talk to Rampage while doing my homework so I don’t feel as frustrated while I’m trying to do it.  And this is all if I don’t have a book that I’m reading. Sometimes I am so into a book that I won’t even spare my writing a second thought, and then I feel guilty later.

Another thing: somebody please tell me that your thoughts are so disorganized you have no idea what to put down onto paper sometimes.  I’ll have like thirty ideas running around in my head like little elves in a toy factory.  I am, however, usually only focused on one character at a time, or rather one set of characters.  I have that group of characters, but I cannot decide what to do with them. I mean, I could put them through every scenario, but at the same time, if I do that, I’ll have more scenarios.  It’s like that combination thing.  If Annie has seven shirts, three pairs of jeans, four shoes, and three ribbons, how many different combinations are there?  Now, add seven pairs of jeans, two shoes and nine ribbons, and try to think of the combinations.

Yeah.

Music: Why Have I Not Posted About It Before?

“Music is my muse.” This quote is from my favorite author, Kim Harrison and I find it completely applicable to me. I can relate almost everything back to a song that I’ve heard. I love music, like alot. It always depends on my mood what I want to listen to, but there are a few that I will listen to every day any day. And they are…

The Used
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Switchfoot
Josh Groban (of course)
From First To Last
My Chemical Romance
Hinder

And I really love it when people introduce me to new music. Especially when it’s the kind that my dad can’t oppose, because people know that I can’t listen to certain music that contains certain words that lead to a certain black and white label on the cover. If you catch my drift. Like right now, at this very moment, I am listening to “Dancing With the Wind” by Days of the New, an absolutely wonderful song that is so intense, that I could listen to it a million times and never get tired of it. I need to figure out how to upload an audio clip so you can hear the song, because it is the best!
Especially when I am writing, I love to listen to music, because certain words, certain sounds can trigger a small flow of inspiration that makes me want to scream with happiness. I normally listen to Underoath when I write, because the screaming and amazing music just stimulate my writer’s thoughts. Although, sometimes I think that all I think about is writing…

“Music is my muse.” –Kim Harrison